Dating Disasters of Emma Nash Page 8

  Hi Paolo! I’m great thanks, just going into London with some friends :D we’re going to this new bar which is meant to have an amazing view & do really good cocktails. How are you?

  Emma x

  I am SO adventurous that I try new and sophisticated places every night. Note also that I said “some” friends, not “my” friends, because this Emma has more than one set of friends. She has friends ALL OVER THE PLACE. She is LOUSY with friends.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 7:24 P.M.

  HE’S MESSAGED BACK.

  That sounds fun! Maybe we can chat when you’re back...? Enjoy cocktails x

  YES, WE CAN CHAT WHEN I’M BACK FROM COCKTAILS.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 7:38 P.M.

  Watching EastEnders with my mum and Heather. I am such a fraud.

  “Mum, do we have any cocktail stuff in the house?”

  “Why?”

  “Can we have one?”

  “Er...well, there’s my whiskey, and a bit of old crème de menthe...”

  “Any mixers?”

  “Ribena?”

  Now I am drinking Ribena and whiskey. Mum is laughing her head off. At least I feel a bit less like a liar now.

  Emma Nash @Em_Nasher

  Whiskey is truly disgusting. Especially with Ribena

  Emma Nash @Em_Nasher

  Controversy. Mum’s friend Heather declares it is “delicious”

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 9:59 P.M.

  Have I been out drinking long enough? What time do sociable, older people get back from central?

  Best give it another hour.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:05 P.M.

  Experiment 2 : Maybe I Can Be Someone Else Entirely

  The moment has come.

  Emma: Hi! How’s your evening?

  Paolo: Oh hi! You’re back :)

  Emma: Yeah, getting an early one tonight *yawns*

  Paolo: I hope you don’t mind if I ask...how old are you?

  Hmm.

  Emma: How old are you...?

  Paolo: Haha. 18. And you?

  Hmm.

  Emma: Me too.

  I could be eighteen. If I was born one and a bit years earlier.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 12:55 A.M.

  We’re still up talking. It’s AMAZING. We’re getting on SO WELL. I mean, it’s easy to get on well when you just agree with everything the other person says and pretend like you like everything they do, but still!!! Screenshot of my favorite bit of the conversation:

  Paolo: I am really glad we started chatting. I need cheering.

  Emma: Cheering like cheering up or someone standing beside you screaming “YAY PAOLO” at everything you do?

  Paolo: Haha.

  Emma: I guess I could be your personal cheerleader. Depends how well you pay

  Paolo: You are very funny

  Emma: Why thank you

  Paolo: But I am really missing Italy and it is nice to talk to someone who loves it, too

  I probably would love it, if I’d ever been.

  Paolo: One day I will take you water-skiing on the beach in Bardolino. It sounds like you will give me a run for my money

  Yes, I did say that, didn’t I? Thankfully there’s no water-skiing on the Thames so he’ll never know.

  WEDNESDAY, 17 SEPTEMBER

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 7:46 A.M.

  Came downstairs and Heather was asleep/passed out on the sofa. At first all I saw was a limp hand hanging off the side. It was quite a shock. Then when I sat down she squealed, “Oooooh!” and startled me again.

  Now listening to her talk about a dog that got shot three times and survived and how incredible it was and then about how she couldn’t watch The Way We Were because it upset her too much and then about funny German words like kummerspeck which literally means “grief bacon” and refers to the extra weight you gain from emotional overeating.

  How does anyone have this much energy at seven in the morning?

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 10:43 A.M.

  In Maths

  Talking to Paolo last night was like discovering a new, magical world, except instead of a lion and a witch I had water skis and a beguiling sense of humor. I genuinely felt like I had been sucked into my phone and given a brand-new cyber-life, matched by my awesome new cyber-personality. Now, sitting in Maths watching Crazy Holly hide and replace Mr. Crispin’s glasses every time he turns around, I find myself somewhat deflated. How can I be expected to develop a beguiling sense of humor when my peers are amused by such juvenile pranks?

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 10:50 A.M.

  Watching a blinded Mr. Crispin point at Boring Susan instead of Crazy Holly to tell her off was pretty funny (both have curly brown hair and the similarity ends there). But I refuse to crack a smile. I am above such infantile behavior.

  “Why are you being so quiet today?” Steph asked.

  “I’m actually working on being sophisticated.”

  “You mean boring?”

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:05 A.M.

  In the Girls’ Toilets

  I’ve wasted five minutes of break waiting for the loo. Whoever is in there is taking a really, really long time.

  Oh come on.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:09 A.M.

  Finally, Crazy Holly came out (of course) and said, “Sorry, I was dismantling a bomb.”

  I smiled and went into the loo. Then I heard her say, “No need to thank me for saving your life.”

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:21 A.M.

  The Strangest Places to Masturbate

  Crazy Holly’s toilet activity somehow segued into a very interesting discussion. I sat down with Faith, Gracie and Steph.

  “What were you doing?” Steph asked.

  “Crazy Holly was in the stall for AGES. Do you think she was masturbating?”

  “Ew, Emma!” Gracie exclaimed.

  “Do people do that in school?” Steph asked.

  “I don’t know. Maybe Holly.”

  “My sister has a friend who goes to the beach at night, takes off his socks and puts his feet in the water, and masturbates,” continued Steph. “He says it’s a very sensual experience.”

  “My brother knows a boy who does it when he’s driving the car, and he makes eye contact with other drivers and everything,” Faith added.

  This somehow led to various confessions.

  Faith—has done it in a plane bathroom. (“It was a long flight,” she added. I commented that this sort of qualifies her for the mile-high club.)

  Me—I have done it in a Topshop changing room. (It was actually M&S Clothing, and there were lots of old people around doing their shopping, but Topshop sounds distinctly less creepy.)

  Steph—has done it in my bed. (“I hope I wasn’t in it at the time,” I said. She assured me that I was not.)

  Gracie—“doesn’t masturbate.” (Which I refuse to believe.)

  “How can you not masturbate?” I goaded her again.

  “Because...it’s weird.”

  “But sex isn’t?”

  “No. Sex is with another person. On your own it’s just...awkward.”

  “I’d say it’s probably much more awkward with another person.”

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:07 P.M.

  Thoughts I Had in French

  I wonder where other people have masturbated?

  Has someone masturbated on the chair I’m sitting on?

  Did Madame Fournier say “les orgasms”?

  Oh, no, she said “les organes.”

  And now I can’t stop picturing Madame Fournier masturbating. Get out!! Get out!!!

  Think of something else!!

  Leon masturbating.

  NO.

  Paolo masturbating.

  NO NO.

&n
bsp; At one point, they were all in a room doing it together. It’s been an exhausting few hours.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 2:20 P.M.

  Sitting Outside English Class

  I was walking over to English, trying to distract myself from thinking about Biology with Leon tomorrow. I was imagining myself as a well-traveled eighteen-year-old who does sports and wears fancy clothes, and ignoring that I am actually a sixteen-year-old who has been on a couple of holidays to Tenerife, can barely walk without falling over and whose mum still buys her oversize knickers “in case I grow out of them.”

  I was just in the middle of forgetting Leon, when Leon sprang on me from round a corner. I was so startled I threw my folder up in the air, then when I realized it was him my heart started pounding so hard I was a little scared it was actually an alien life form readying itself to explode out of my chest.

  He just stood, watching over me as I scrabbled for my papers on the floor.

  “What are you doing? I mean, what do you want?” I asked.

  “Nothing. I have a message.”

  I stood up and looked him in the eye. (The big, brown, incredibly beautiful eye.) He was staring really hard at the bit of wall behind me.

  “Laurence wants to know what’s going on with you two.”

  I was speechless.

  “Come on, Emma, I think he has a right to know.”

  “I...”

  “You’re being a bit cruel, don’t you think?”

  The hypocrisy.

  “Oh yeah, because, it’s not like you ever dumped anyone without saying anything, or anything. Is it?”

  He started to walk away.

  “In fact, I was never even going out with Laurence! You’re worse! Or maybe you didn’t dump me...maybe we’re still going out!! How would I even know??” I shouted at his back, running a little bit to keep up with him.

  So now I’ve literally been reduced to chasing him around school. How did that happen?

  Ten minutes later I got to English.

  “Emma, you’re really, really late,” said Ms. Parker.

  “I know, I...”

  “No, don’t bother. Wait outside. I’m sick of you to be honest.”

  Ouch... And now I’m sitting outside crying. I never thought the day would come... Crying because I’m banned from English class.

  Could this day get any worse?

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 4:02 P.M.

  End of School

  Oh yes, it could. Mum just rang, saying she got a call from the school and “what was I playing at.” And we haven’t even been back a week. I’m going round to Steph’s tonight, to hide.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 5:28 P.M.

  At Steph’s

  Having tea with Steph, Faith and Gracie. It won’t be long now until Gracie suggests getting a board game out, then gets so competitive she throws something at my head.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 7:11 P.M.

  Gracie: “Shall we play a game?”

  We’re now playing something called The Definitions Game where Gracie reads out a really complicated word and we all have to guess what it means. For every word I put “Gracie’s Mum” and every time she reads it out she goes all pink and tight-lipped and you’d think it would get old but it just doesn’t.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 8:03 P.M.

  When I sloped in the door I thought there was going to be an unwelcome, lung-sapping fight. But Mum’s out with Heather, which means I can safely avoid her until this time tomorrow.

  I can’t believe that tomorrow I may actually have to sit next to Leon for a full hour and twenty minutes. How can I bear it? And why does he care what I’m doing with Laurence Myer? I refuse to believe he’s actually that concerned on his behalf. They’re not that good friends, and Leon has never been so self-righteous before. I know for a fact that he regularly steals from self-checkouts and sticks his gum underneath desks. Those are not the actions of a moral person.

  I’ve got to do something else to distract myself. I’m venturing back to Narnia.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 8:15 P.M.

  Emma: Ciao Paolo

  Paolo: Ciao Emma

  Paolo: How are you?

  Better give it a minute or two before saying something else, you know... Build up the suspense. He can see that I’ve “seen” his message so it looks like I’m just super casual. I LOVE THAT. It’s a little hard to be casual with Leon when I lose the ability to speak English and fail to restrain myself from staring fixedly at the little moles on his neck.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:58 P.M.

  In My Room (Still Talking to Paolo)

  Paolo and “Emma” are having yet another great conversation, whilst real-life Emma intermittently stalks Leon’s and Apple’s profiles. I see that Leon has made a guest appearance on Scrumptiously, Anna. I hope they drown in a giant vat of their raspberry buttercream.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 12:16 A.M.

  Mum got back ten minutes ago and I quickly turned out my light. She came in and peered at me feigning sleep, then went away again. As I lay there hiding from her beneath the duvet, phone in one hand and laptop in the other, I suddenly felt inexplicably desolate. I’m getting to that phase when you’ve been online for so long you start feeling a little bit empty. The real world tugs at you with its wholesome charm but you can’t seem to leave behind the bizarre YouTube videos and scrolling through people’s mindless updates. You stumble across some very strange things you wish you could unsee. The longer you stay on it the less likely it seems that you will ever get off again.

  Hmm, trying to log off, but it’s like my fingers aren’t listening to my brain...

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 12:44 A.M.

  Paolo: Once again, I have kept you up too late, Emma. Would you maybe like to come and see this band with me on Saturday?

  Emma: That would be nice, let me just check my schedule

  Hmm. My check of my “mental schedule” tells me I have no plans this weekend other than sitting around watching Goodnight Sweetheart with Steph and her nan.

  Emma: Out Friday with the girls but could do Saturday, yes :)

  Paolo: Bellissimo. Hang on, I will send you a link. I know you will love it, if you like techno

  Emma: Amazing!!!

  (So I like techno now. Why not? All music, when you really examine it, is just noise anyway, right?)

  I feel like I am two different Emmas. When I talk to Paolo I’m this other person, I’m confident and fun and things don’t bother me or hold me down, they just roll off me like water. Internet Emma has a much better life and is happy in herself.

  But then I close the laptop and it doesn’t stick.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:02 A.M.

  Can’t sleep. When I think about seeing Leon tomorrow and actually sitting next to him for a full two hours I feel like I’m sinking into the bed and through the floor and falling really fast into a vast, cavernous hole. But let’s pretend it’s because I have a date with a sexy Italian man.

  And he is a man. He’s eighteen. He can legally buy alcohol and go out to bars and probably has chest hair.

  THURSDAY, 18 SEPTEMBER

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 8:20 A.M.

  Registration

  I’m actually early because I woke up at 6:00 a.m. I’d probably be tired if adrenaline wasn’t surging through my body. Gracie reached behind me to get something from her bag and I jumped out of my skin.

  “What’s the matter with you??” she squealed.

  “I thought your arm was a snake.”

  I think I might be on edge.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 8:31 A.M.

  Mr. Morris looked very startled to see me when he came in.

  “I’m glad you’re making an effort, Emma, but I’m afraid Ms. Parker’s suggested I put you on work report.”

  “
What does that mean?”

  “It means you have to take this to your teachers at the end of every lesson, and get it signed for good behavior. If you miss three signatures then you get a detention.”

  Another day I might have cared, but not today. I know his words are aimed at me, but they miss and fly out the open window.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:24 P.M.

  The Slowest and Fastest Day of My Life

  Time is moving so SLOWLY and yet racing past at the same time. It’s like I am a ghost watching my own life play out, in a zone where time is meaningless.

  Break

  I bought two coffees and I’m not sure why. Coffee is disgusting. I keep shaking. Actually, physically shaking. I don’t think the coffee helped.

  English

  Mr. Allen brought in finger puppets and pretended they were Marlowe and Shakespeare having a fistfight about Marlovian conspiracy theory AND I COULDN’T EVEN ENJOY IT PROPERLY.

  French

  Leon. Leon. Leon. Near me. Leon. I tried to focus on the lesson, but I had absolutely no idea what Madame Fournier was saying. Then I tried thinking about Paolo and our date. I put up my hand.

  “Madame Fournier, do you know any Italian?”

  She looked almost aggressively puzzled, shook her head and carried on with French. I guess not.

  Lunch

  I tried to consume food but it tasted like cardboard because my mouth was so dry from nerves. I heard Faith say, “We’re just background noise to her today.”

  Were they trying to talk to me?

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:36 P.M.

  Twenty-four minutes to go.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:37 P.M.

  Twenty-three minutes.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:41 P.M.

  I can’t keep going like this. I desperately, desperately want to be in Biology, sitting next to him, forcing him to interact with me. But I’m also dreading it in every single part of my body. How is that possible?

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:55 P.M.

  Walking to Biology