Editing Emma Read online

  I can’t argue with that kind of logic.

  Operation Get Jess’s Phone

  The plan is to wait until Steph’s parents call for dinner, and when she goes downstairs slip into her room and get the phone. (This has been left down to me, as Steph said, ‘If I am caught in Jess’s room I will be murdered. If you’re caught there will only be a mild beating.’ So that’s reassuring.) We’ll ask to have dinner in Steph’s room, because I can’t bear to miss Coronation Street (again, I had to take the hit on that one because Steph’s parents know that she, quite rightly, couldn’t care less about Coronation Street). And then… voila!

  posted by EditingEmma 19.12

  SUCCESS. With only one minor hiccup. I bumped into Jess on the way out of her room, as she was coming out of the toilet.

  ‘All right, Emma?’ she said. Her hair is cut short like Steph’s, except it’s dyed dark blue. I wish I could pull off blue hair but there’s absolutely no way in hell.

  ‘Yes, er… yes, I’m all right. Why? Are you all right?’ I stuttered, hiding her phone behind my back.

  ‘I’m hunky-dory, ta,’ she said, and walked past.

  ‘Did she seem suspicious?’ asked Steph.

  ‘Er… she looked at me like I was a bit strange.’

  ‘Oh, then we’re fine. She always thinks you’re strange.’

  posted by EditingEmma 20.41

  So. I have now officially used A DATING APP (sort of, I suppose technically I have committed fraud via a dating app). It’s been an… interesting experience. Here’s what I have learned:

  1) It’s more like stalking than ‘dating’

  Their whereabouts are listed before you even get to read anything about them! (In fact, most people haven’t put anything about themselves at all, so it’s purely a photo and their whereabouts.) Why is location so important? What if my soulmate lived a few stops along the Northern Line and I never bothered, and ended up with mediocre-but-highly-convenient Mr Down-the-Road??

  Having said that, I did always hate getting the tube.

  2) Leon does not have Tinder

  I already knew that. Logically. But try telling that to the illogical part of my brain that looks out for him everywhere. The supermarket with my mum. The dentist’s. The doctor’s. The garden shed. The airing cupboard.

  3) There are a lot of people who look a bit like Leon

  Alas, they are not the original.

  4) There are a lot of people, full stop

  I am completely overwhelmed by the sea of choice, and a little bit terrified of how many people are on the planet. It’s not that I don’t know there are over seven billion other people living on Earth, but looking through Tinder really smacks you in the face with it.

  5) There are a lot of WEIRDOS

  Weirder than me. And I sleep with a blood-encrusted plaster under my pillow. There was one boy in particular doing a great Charles Manson impression.

  ‘Does he want to date me, or induct me into a cult and convince me to stab unwitting strangers?’ I asked.

  And, finally, perhaps the most important lesson of all…

  6) My mum has Tinder

  Yes. You did hear me correctly. My mum has Tinder. It’s so awful I can barely type it. Here’s what happened:

  Steph and I were just casually playing with the settings.

  ‘Make the age range older,’ I said.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘No reason. Just… for fun.’

  ‘You want to see if Mr Allen is on here?’

  ‘Naturally.’

  So we did. Then Steph said, ‘Shall we set it to women? See if there’s anyone on here Faith might like??’

  And we forgot to shift the age range back. A few seconds later we both saw the image which will forever be burned into my eyelids.

  ‘Emma, is that… is that your mum?!?!’

  I gaped, speechless.

  It was, undeniably, my mother. My mother, ladies and gentlemen, in a very busty outfit. Her profile reads ‘Allie Nash’ ‘I am not ready for a Zimmer frame. I’m chilled, but love a bit of heat ;) (I mean the weather, of course!!)’

  Dear Lord.

  Steph laughed, and laughed, whilst I tried to figure out a way to take back the last five minutes. I’m hoping the vision of my mum’s Tinder profile will fit into that little coffin in the darkest, murkiest corner of my mind, filled with memories never to be relived. Like the questionable objects I found in her drawer one time, when I was stealing her tights.

  Tuesday, 16 September

  posted by EditingEmma 08.31

  Is There Such a Thing as TOO Good-Looking?

  So last night, I was feeling a bit defeated and about to go home (after smuggling Jess’s phone back into her room) when Steph had an idea.

  ‘Ooh, go on Jess’s friends!! She’s older so her friends are twice as likely to be attractive than ours. Or at least taller.’

  And then we found this BEAUTIFUL BOY. He is, without a doubt, probably one of the best-looking people I have ever seen, except on the big screen. Well, I guess he is sort of still on a screen, but you know. His name is PAOLO. Even after stalking him loads last night I can’t seem to say his name in lower case letters. Probably because the name PAOLO sounds like it’s made up.

  ‘How do you think Jess knows him?!’ I asked.

  ‘Hmm. Definitely not uni. He’s not friends with any of her uni friends.’

  ‘You’re a little too good at this.’

  ‘AHA!’ She stopped on a picture of him sitting in an armchair.

  ‘What?’

  She pointed to the corner of the photo.

  ‘A table?’

  ‘What’s on the table?’

  ‘A… mug?’

  ‘Not just any mug, Emma. A mug from the coffee place down the road, where Jess worked over summer.’

  She leant back and crossed and uncrossed her legs.

  ‘Say it,’ she said.

  ‘Say what?’

  ‘Say “STEPH HAS MAD SKILLS”.’

  ‘Steph… you have mad skills.’

  ‘Not quite the enthusiasm I was looking for, but I’ll accept.’

  She carried on clicking. I glanced at a picture of PAOLO chucking a ball at his friend in the sea.

  ‘Do you think he’s too good-looking, though?’

  ‘No such thing,’ asserted Steph.

  ‘There is.’

  ‘There isn’t.’

  ‘There is.’

  ‘There isn’t.’

  ‘There is.’

  ‘LOOK AT HIM.’

  ‘Yes. I am… I suppose, I mean, it doesn’t look like he’s really arrogant, does it? He’s not like, posing with his shirt off or obnoxiously wearing sunglasses indoors.’

  ‘He should pose with his shirt off.’

  ‘You’re not helping.’

  ‘LOOK AT HIM.’

  ‘This is supposed to be about finding someone who won’t make me feel like crap.’

  ‘How could kissing this guy make anyone feel like crap?’

  ‘You know what I mean.’

  ‘I do, but I think you’re being a bit look-ist. Just because a guy is attractive, doesn’t mean he’s going to do a Leon.’

  The mention of what he did stung me unexpectedly.

  ‘Sorry,’ she said, noticing me wince.

  Anyway, now I’m in the girls’ loos deciding whether or not to talk to PAOLO. Hmm.

  posted by EditingEmma 11.17

  Terrible Things That Have Already Happened Today

  English Class

  I was half thinking about Leon, half watching Crazy Holly’s impression of Victor Frankenstein and feeling glad I wasn’t sitting at the front… She’d backcombed her hair and was leaning in really close to people’s faces, asking in a stern voice, ‘What have I done? What have I done?’ Boring Susan looked particularly uncomfortable. Then Ms Parker’s voice interrupted, just as Leon was kissing down my neck… It was quite odd. For a moment I had a vision of her kissing down my neck.

  �
�Emma? Emma? Earth calling Emma?’ she called.

  ‘I don’t know, sorry.’

  ‘Don’t know what?’

  ‘Er… the answer?’

  The whole class laughed.

  ‘It’s your turn,’ Ms Parker said.

  ‘Ohh… right. I know I said this last time but could I possibly maybe go next week?’

  ‘There is no next week. This is the last week.’

  Bollocks.

  ‘Ohh, right. Fine. Could I possibly maybe go after the next person?’

  ‘There is no next person. You are the last person.’

  Double bollocks.

  Five minutes later, I was standing in front of the class like a lemon.

  ‘Right, Emma, and which character are you going to be presenting?’

  Crap. The monster can’t speak much, right?

  ‘Er… I… the monster.’

  There was a snigger.

  ‘Interesting—’ Ms Parker leant back in her chair ‘—ready when you are.’

  I searched my mind frantically for what was happening in the book the last time I looked at it… Think. Think. I remember the monster was wandering around in some woods?

  ‘I feel… cold.’

  Oh God… think more.

  ‘Water come from my eyes but I do not know why. People are scared of my face but I do not know why. My face cannot hurt them. I see old lady in street who scream at me. More water come from my eyes. I say, “HEY, LADY! YOU UGLY TOO!” Then she hit me with her bag. It hurt me. I like the pain. It mean I feel something else that is not sadness.’

  It was like being the captain on a sinking ship, with nothing to do but go down nobly.

  ‘I like pain so I kick tree. I kick it again. And again.’

  At this point I thought I might as well roll with it. I grabbed a chair and kicked it. Boring Susan had a glint of terror in her eyes.

  ‘And AGAIN!! AND AGAIN!!’

  The back of the chair broke so I stopped.

  ‘Then the tree break. Even tree hate me. If tree could run, it would run. Then I think of tree with legs and funny sound come from me. It sound like… Hahahahah. What is this? What is this noise that I make? I like it so I keep thinking of trees with legs.’

  I sat down on the floor.

  ‘I do not need people. I have my ha-has.’

  I thought I was done then, but the class was still looking expectant so I just kept saying ‘hahahahah’ and lay down and pretended to go to sleep.

  Steph Not Letting English Class Go

  ‘You er, might not have failed… I mean, you never know.’

  ‘It’s OK. You don’t have to…’

  ‘It was different, at least.’

  ‘Can we not talk about it?’

  ‘Oh, yes, sure.’

  Silence.

  ‘Can I just ask one question?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Why the German accent?’

  posted by EditingEmma 13.51

  Summary of Lunchtime

  Steph stole my phone and followed Paolo on Instagram, because she’s so mature. Faith’s sister is having an engagement party and Faith’s pretending that she’s excited, but I can tell she’s dreading it and won’t admit it for fear of seeming selfish. Gracie was moaning because there was a suspicious lump on her fishcake.

  posted by EditingEmma 17.41

  I came home to the sound of high-pitched giggling, and knew instantly that Mum’s friend Heather was here. When I walked into the living room she exclaimed, ‘Oh, Emma, you look lovely!’

  ‘In my uniform?’

  ‘Such pretty colours.’ She nodded.

  With anyone else I’d assume they were lying, but Heather has very strange taste in clothing. She once unironically wore a cork hat.

  Mum’s Friend Heather

  Heather is a bizarre but lovely woman, who mostly travels a lot, floating from job to job. She did a lot to help my mum when I was growing up and my mum was trying to juggle raising me alone with starting her own business, though to this day I’ll never understand how because Heather is possibly the least organised person I’ve ever met. Apparently, she was supposed to arrive on Friday but missed her flight, because she saw a cat that she thought looked ‘distressed’ and wanted to stay with it.

  posted by EditingEmma 18.09

  We Have Achieved Insteraction

  I’m actually quite proud of that pun. Anyway, I was just sitting around muttering to myself, ‘Don’t think about Leon, don’t think about Leon…’ whilst flicking through his photos, when I got a notification. This is unusual as I am more of the ‘silent observer’ on Instagram.

  Then I saw it was from PAOLO. He liked one of my photos, of the beach in Tenerife where me, Mum and Steph went over Easter. THEN he commented: ‘You like waterskiing too? :)’

  I flicked onto his profile and saw that Steph had liked about a million photos of him waterskiing earlier. Thanks for that, Steph.

  Still, why not?

  ‘I love it!’ I reply.

  Then we had a really long comment-conversation, and he messaged me.

  Hi Emma. Would love to chat with you. How are you? Paolo x

  OH MY GOD. He would LOVE TO CHAT WITH ME. What do I say back?!

  How Am I?

  How am I? Terrible, actually. I’ve only ever really liked one person and he’s pretending I don’t exist. I spend most of my time obsessing over him and hating myself for it. But wouldn’t it be great if I wasn’t terrible? If I was having way too much fun to care? If I had tons of really glamorous friends and went to parties all the time, where I didn’t get so drunk that I lost my phone in a bucket of communal sick? (My heart wrenches briefly as I imagine Greg fishing around in there…)

  Hi Paolo! I’m great thanks, just going into London with some friends :D we’re going to this new bar which is meant to have an amazing view & do really good cocktails. How are you? Emma x

  I am SO adventurous that I try new and sophisticated places every night. Note also that I said ‘some’ friends, not ‘my’ friends, because this Emma has more than one set of friends. She has friends ALL OVER THE PLACE. She is LOUSY with friends.

  posted by EditingEmma 19.24

  HE’S MESSAGED BACK.

  That sounds fun! Maybe we can chat when you’re back…? Enjoy cocktails x

  YES, WE CAN CHAT WHEN I’M BACK FROM COCKTAILS.

  posted by EditingEmma 19.38

  Watching EastEnders with my mum and Heather. I am such a fraud.

  ‘Mum, do we have any cocktail stuff in the house?’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Can we have one?’

  ‘Er . .. well there’s my whisky, and a bit of old Crème De Menthe…’

  ‘Any mixers?’

  ‘Ribena?’

  Now I am drinking Ribena and whisky. Mum is laughing her head off. At least I feel a bit less like a liar now.

  Emma Nash @Em_Nasher

  Whisky is truly disgusting. Especially with Ribena

  Emma Nash @Em_Nasher

  Controversy. Mum’s friend Heather declares it is ‘delicious’

  posted by EditingEmma 21.59

  Have I been out drinking long enough? What time do sociable, older people get back from central?

  Best give it another hour.

  posted by EditingEmma 23.15

  Experiment 2 : Maybe I Can Be Someone Else Entirely

  The moment has come.

  Hi! How’s your evening?

  Oh hi! You’re back :)

  Yeah, getting an early one tonight *yawns*

  I hope you don’t mind if I ask… how old are you?

  Hmm.

  How old are you…?

  Haha. 18. And you?

  Hmm.

  Me too.

  I could be eighteen. If I was born one and a bit years earlier.

  posted by EditingEmma 00.55

  We’re still up talking. It’s AMAZING. We’re getting on SO WELL. I mean, it’s easy to get on well when you just agree with everything
the other person says and pretend like you like everything they do, but still!!! Screen shot of my favourite bit of the conversation:

  I am really glad we started chatting. I need cheering.

  Cheering like cheering up or someone standing beside you screaming ‘YAY PAOLO’ at everything you do?

  Haha.

  I guess I could be your personal cheerleader. Depends how well you pay

  You are very funny

  Why thank you

  But I am really missing Italy and it is nice to talk to someone who loves it, too

  I probably would love it, if I’d ever been.

  One day I will take you waterskiing on the beach in Bardolino. It sounds like you will give me a run for my money

  Yes, I did say that, didn’t I? Thankfully there’s no waterskiing on the Thames so he’ll never know.

  Wednesday, 17 September

  posted by EditingEmma 07.46

  Came downstairs and Heather was asleep/passed out on the sofa. At first all I saw was a limp hand hanging off the side. It was quite a shock. Then when I sat down she squealed, ‘Oooooh!’ and startled me again.

  Now listening to her talk about a dog that got shot three times and survived and how incredible it was and then about how she couldn’t watch The Way We Were because it upset her too much and then about funny German words like ‘kummerspeck’ which literally means ‘grief bacon’ and refers to the extra weight you gain from emotional overeating.

  How does anyone have this much energy at seven in the morning?

  posted by EditingEmma 10.43

  In Maths

  Talking to Paolo last night was like discovering a new, magical world, except instead of a lion and a witch I had waterskis and a beguiling sense of humour. I genuinely felt like I had been sucked into my phone and given a brand-new cyberlife, matched by my awesome new cyber-personality. Now, sitting in Maths watching Crazy Holly hide and replace Mr Crispin’s glasses every time he turns around, I find myself somewhat deflated. How can I be expected to develop a beguiling sense of humour when my peers are amused by such juvenile pranks?

  posted by EditingEmma 10.50

  Watching a blinded Mr Crispin point at Boring Susan instead of Crazy Holly to tell her off was pretty funny (both have curly, brown hair and the similarity ends there). But I refuse to crack a smile. I am above such infantile behaviour.

  ‘Why are you being so quiet today?’ Steph asked.

  ‘I’m actually working on being sophisticated.’