Dating Disasters of Emma Nash Read online

Silence.

  “So, you got the tickets OK?”

  He nods.

  “How much do I owe you?”

  He shakes his head.

  “Oh, well, I’ll buy you some popcorn or something.”

  He shrugs.

  * * *

  7:20 p.m.: We are probably in the seats by now. Conversation has been minimal so far. Minimal to the point of...well, nonexistent. I tried a few topics and got mainly head twitches and grunts in response.

  * * *

  7:30 p.m.: Just before the movie starts.

  “Do you want a Minstrel?” Laurence asks.

  Yes!! We have conversation liftoff! I think.

  * * *

  8:30 p.m.: No, we didn’t. I’m ashamed to think of my enthusiastic hour-ago self.

  * * *

  I always thought cinema dates were just a bit of an excuse to sit in the dark and giggle at things. It seems Laurence actually really wants to see the movie.

  9:20 p.m.: The film is over. We stand awkwardly at the doors of the cinema. So far the sum total of Laurence’s conversation is still, “Do you want a Minstrel?”

  “So, you enjoyed the film, then?” I ask.

  He nods.

  “OK, well, bye, then...”

  “Oh, bye.”

  I give him an awkward hug. And then he walks away. Seriously?! Is that...it?! Can that count as a date? Or even as an interaction? I say more to the cashier at Tesco when I’m buying some gum.

  Evidence: Technology nerds are more charming over the internet.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 10:28 P.M.

  I just got a message from Laurence: “Lol that film wasn’t as good as I thought it was gonna be. Disappointed. Did you enjoy it?x”

  Evidence: And over their phones.

  What? Just...what?! I can’t even be bothered to reply. That whole evening was such a flop. Why does anyone bother stepping outside the front door? The odds that you’ll have a better time doing anything on the outside than you will sitting watching TV seem pretty slim to me.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:09 P.M.

  Until now I’d somehow successfully blocked that it was the night-before-the-first-day-of-sixth-form from my mind. It must have been all that scintillating conversation. Just think, before all this I was actually looking forward to starting sixth form. PAH.

  Emma Nash @Em_Nasher

  Whyyyyyyyyyyyy

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:50 P.M.

  Imagining What Will Happen When Leon Sees Me Tomorrow

  I’m listening to very intense music to set the scene. I walk into school, in my new, black skater skirt and fitted shirt (that I bought from & Other Stories), finally liberated from the lumpy school jumper I’ve been stuck wearing for five years. My sty is barely noticeable. Our eyes catch... We keep making eye contact and he can’t pretend to focus on the conversation he’s having any longer. He strides over to me and puts his hand behind my neck and his other hand on my face and just kisses me...

  And everyone is watching.

  THURSDAY, 11 SEPTEMBER

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 8:22 A.M.

  What Actually Happened When Leon Saw Me

  Our eyes catch... He looks slightly awkward for a moment, but then keeps going with the conversation he’s having. Neither of us go over to say hello. Or really acknowledge each other at all.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 8:33 A.M.

  Sitting next to Steph in registration, comparing timetables. Gracie is going on and on about “split ends” and keeps shoving strands of red hair in my face. It feels strange to be interacting with so many people at once. I feel like a rabbit caught in headlights, and everything feels very loud and terrifying. But it’s nice...I think. I can’t believe I’m saying this but it almost makes me feel relieved to be back at school.

  Discussed the Leon meeting with Steph:

  “I was so sure that the first time he saw me, in person, he wouldn’t be able to ignore me. But nope. He did. Are we absolutely, positively, 100 percent certain that I didn’t make the whole thing up?”

  “No. He definitely exists. I’ve seen him many times.”

  “I mean...the asking out thing. Maybe he never asked me out at all. Maybe he said, ‘Emma, will you HANG out with me?’ And then my longing desire caused me to hear whatever I wanted to hear, and I took it to mean GO out with me, and then he was too awkward to say anything.”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “Sometimes my granddad does it. Sometimes because he loves trifle, he’ll say that my mum said we were having trifle, which she would never say in a million years, because she hates trifle. But he genuinely thinks it. He genuinely thinks she said we were having trifle, then gets all upset when she brings out yogurt and fruit. What if that’s me?? What if I’ve inherited it??”

  “I think your granddad is eighty-nine, so you’re probably not there yet. And I don’t think he asked you to hang out because you were already hanging out. That makes no sense.”

  “What if he said...‘Emma, will you eat sprouts with me?’ Or ‘Will you joust with me?’”

  “Not impossible, but highly improbable.”

  Emma Nash @Em_Nasher

  Glad to be back at school for 5 seconds. Now chanting our stupid school motto in Latin. I take it all back. Hoc sugit.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:22 A.M.

  The End of a Very Eventful Break

  Coming to you nearly live from the Maths & Sciences Block girls’ toilets.

  11:00 a.m.: I am standing around with Steph, Faith and Gracie in the cafeteria, sweating profusely because Leon is in the room. Gracie is WAY too excited about her brother’s party on Saturday.

  “Andy says he’s got loads of good drinking games for us to play,” she says smugly.

  “You know it won’t be Drinking Articulate, don’t you?” I point out.

  “Yes, of course,” she snaps, then adds, “Though I don’t see why that would be such a bad idea.”

  “You could teach everyone all about how to raise their WPM,” I say. (Words per minute.)

  She beams and my sarcasm goes straight over her head.

  * * *

  11:05 a.m.: Laurence Myer ENTERS THE CAFETERIA. Moving away from the safe, secluded environment of the Tech Lab, he wanders in looking a bit dazed, head spinning, blinking at the crowds... My heart sinks. I know I’m going to have to admit what I did last night.

  Steph sees and stares at him for a second. Then she says, “I know what you did last night.”

  Faith and Gracie look up from their hot dogs.

  “... What did you do last night?” asks Faith.

  “I... I...”

  “She went on a date with Laurence Myer.”

  “Thanks, Steph.”

  “That’s...interesting,” says Faith. “I didn’t know you spoke to Laurence Myer.”

  “I didn’t. I mean...I still haven’t.”

  11:10 a.m.: He keeps looking over at us. And he’s all on his own, looking lost. And just as I think I’d better shuffle over for a bit of painfully awkward silence...Leon beats me to it.

  Leon. With his dark, wavy hair and eyes like chocolate buttons.

  The four of us stare in amazement.

  “This is brilliant,” says Steph, opening up her crisps and settling in for the show.

  “Stop staring!” I order, but then give up and stare.

  Laurence looks inordinately grateful to have someone to talk to. Leon is just chatting away, lighting up the room with his casual charm and beautiful laugh, when Laurence says something and they both look over here.

  Gracie practically chokes on her hot dog.

  Steph throws her crisps up in the air.

  I duck.

  Faith is the only person who remains even slightly within the realm of a normal person,
and looks indifferently out of the window.

  “Emma... Emma...you know, they can still see you,” whispers Faith.

  So I stand up, pretending I’ve dropped some sort of invisible object on the floor... Then Laurence leaves, presumably to return to his inner sanctum, and Leon goes back to sit with his mates. From then on, he keeps looking over in our direction with a very serious face.

  * * *

  11:15 a.m.: The crowds are all cramming through the door to leave and, out of nowhere, Laurence pops up. (He must have been hiding...) He smiles at me and brandishes a bag of Minstrels.

  “Hi, Laurence.”

  More silent smiling and Minstrel offering.

  “Err...thanks.”

  ANALYSIS OF EVENTFUL BREAK

  Is Laurence Myer going to keep bringing me Minstrels at break but say nothing, and think this qualifies as a relationship?

  What did Laurence say to Leon?! Does Leon know about my “date”??

  Does he care?

  Even if he does care, should I care that he cares?

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:45 A.M.

  In Maths nomming on delicious Minstrels. OK, so conversation might not be stimulating, but I sure would be well-fed...

  As I was writing this, Mr. Crispin walked past and complimented me on my concentration (on my phone, under my desk). Well, actually what he said was, “Emma’s hungry for the hidden values!”

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 12:01 P.M.

  Why I Stopped Reading Frankenstein

  “Did everyone read Frankenstein over summer?” Ms. Parker asks, at the beginning of English. There is a dreary murmur in confirmation.

  “Did you really, Emma?” Ms. Parker smiles at me.

  “I did,” I say.

  Not exactly a lie... I started it, but I never finished. For about a week afterwards, I had dreams that I was the monster and parts of me kept falling off. In one of them I was on a beach, and Leon was picking up the bits of me, like my foot or my nose, and lobbing them into the sea. And I was crying and crying for him to stop and he wouldn’t. Then I went to Gracie’s house, and she asked me to leave because I was just “too ugly to look at.”

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 12:33 P.M.

  A screenshot of mine and Steph’s WhatsApping in English:

  Did you know that Laurence talked to Leon? 12:19 p.m.

  No 12:19 p.m.

  Who knew?? 12:19 p.m.

  You know, just because you’d never talked to Laurence before, it doesn’t mean that no one else ever did 12:20 p.m.

  I sense that I’m annoying you... 12:20 p.m.

  ...But I’m carrying on. Do you think Leon will be in our Biology class? 12:24 p.m.

  I’m not psychic 12:25 p.m.

  I’m glad we’re together, anyway 12:25 p.m.

  Me too 12:26 p.m.

  Are you actually? 12:26 p.m.

  Not if you keep talking about Leon 12:26 p.m.

  Point taken. Sorry, I’m really nervous 12:26 p.m.

  If he’s there it will be awkward. But at least Crazy Holly will be there, too 12:27 p.m.

  How does that help? 12:27 p.m.

  It’s impossible to feel awkward around Crazy Holly 12:28 p.m.

  True 12:28 p.m.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:55 P.M.

  Sitting in the Loos Crying

  Really, given the amount of time I’ve spent processing Anna and Leon’s relationship status, you’d think I’d have been more prepared for their actual relationship. But I wasn’t.

  Here’s what happened:

  I went and collected my stingy portion of food. Considering how much money I (my mum) pays for these lunches, you’d think they’d give us more than one sausage and three bits of broccoli. Yes, they actually count the broccoli. And if you get an abnormally large bit, then you only get two. I once said, “That’s broccoli discrimination,” and the dinner lady just stared at me. But I digress.

  So I sat down at the table with my tiny lunch and Gracie kept looking at me very uncomfortably, like the sight of me was giving her stomach cramps. Steph gave me half her sausage. I should have known something was up then because Steph would usually fight you to the death for half a sausage. I was about to bite into it, when I saw Leon across the room. Talking to Anna. Then he put his arm around her. The sausage sort of hung in the air, then whacked me in the face. I stared openmouthed. Suddenly, it was all too much for me and I got up to leave.

  And now I’m in the loos.

  Steph came to find me.

  “Not many people can make me feel sad with gravy on their face but you pull it off,” she said.

  I laughed but it quickly turned back to crying.

  “I knew they were together but, seeing them...”

  “I know,” Steph said.

  “And now we’ve got Biology. And he might be there.”

  “I know.”

  “Is it really obvious I’ve been crying?”

  “Errr...”

  Steph got out her compact mirror.

  I look like I’ve been boiled.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 8:37 P.M.

  The Rest of My First Day of Sixth Form

  Biology

  I tried to hide that I’d been crying but I still arrived looking like a puffy, red frog. I felt so nervous about the possibility of Leon being there that I was physically quivering. Within two seconds, I’d scanned the room with my ultrafast Leon radar, sadly the most effective part of my brain, and assessed that he wasn’t in the room. I actually felt disappointed. (What’s wrong with me?) My nervous energy plummeted back into regular old glumness.

  I had a feeling Biology would not make me feel better. Long and pointy Dr. Penzik had a creepy smile on his long and pointy face. Which meant that we were probably massacring some sort of small animal for an experiment. And then, ah yes...I spotted them. The pile of organs. Lovely. (This is my punishment for taking a subject because someone I fancied was in the class. And he’s not even in it.)

  Dr. Penzik handed round the sheep hearts, looking a little too pleased. I started typing a post, when he said,

  “Oh, no you don’t. Emma, move up here.” He pointed to the front of the class.

  “Erm. Why, may I ask, Dr. Penzik? I only got here five minutes ago so I haven’t been talking yet.”

  “I can see you texting,” he barked.

  “I’m not texting, I’m—”

  “Look, let’s just avoid any trouble and move you away from Steph. Put your phone away and find a new partner.”

  I refrained from pointing out the obvious flaws in his logic. Suppose I was “texting” Steph, why would separating us stop that? The whole point of “texting” is that you can “text” from across the room. Anyway, I looked around, scanning for a new partner. Crazy Holly was beckoning. Crazy Holly is fun and everything, but did I really want to see what she would do to a sheep heart?

  No, was the answer to that. Five minutes later, I already had sheep blood on my nose.

  “Holly, what are we even meant to be doing?” I asked, glancing at the abandoned sheet lying next to us.

  She shrugged and kept hacking. I stared fixedly at the mangled mess we had created. It was like looking down at my own heart.

  When I Arrived Home

  The door was double-locked, which was just what I needed. (Mum calls it the Emma Lock, there just in case I plan on having any “wild parties” when she goes away. She clearly thinks I have more friends than I do.)

  I banged on the door. It opened a fraction and Mum’s nose poked out.

  “Oh... I wasn’t expecting you home yet...awkward.” Then she turned her head and called out,

  “Gerald, you’ll have to leave!”

  She let me in and ran into the kitchen. I heard,

  “Gerald, put some clothes on!!”
r />   When I walked in there was no one else in there. Except Mum, pissing herself laughing in a corner.

  And now I’m in my room, contemplating the day’s events.

  What did Laurence say to Leon?!?!

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 10:09 P.M.

  I tried so hard not to but I’m stalking Apple again. Leon linked her to a scene from The Rocky Horror Picture Show. He really loves that film. He’s probably going to make her watch it five million times whilst force-feeding her jam tarts.

  I really wish I was her.

  One day of sixth form felt like a lifetime. I’m going to bed now. Hopefully I won’t wake up.

  FRIDAY, 12 SEPTEMBER

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 7:30 A.M.

  Woke up. Darn.

  POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:38 P.M.

  Strange Things That Have Happened Today

  (And it’s only lunchtime. And only Day 2 of sixth form).

  When I came downstairs to breakfast, Mum appeared to be pretending to surf.

  She said, “It’s my t’ai chi.”

  I said, “Of course.”

  Steph wants to go to Mum’s salsa class.

  This is pretty much how the conversation went:

  “How’s your mum?” Steph asked.

  “Keeping herself busy with a range of different hobbies.”

  “Ooh, like what?”

  “Surfing in the living room.”

  “Is she still seeing the stripper?”

  “You never get tired of asking that, do you?”

  “No.”

  “I’m not sure. But I do know that she’s been going to salsa, because she keeps stealing my old teddy bear to dance with.”

  “Salsa?”

  “Yes, I have since discovered where my dancing incapability comes from.”

  “Is she having lessons? Can we go with her?”

  “You want to go to salsa? With my mum?”

  After an hour of thinking that she was joking, it turns out she does actually want to go to salsa. With my mum. Curiouser and curiouser...

  The Awkward Toilet Encounter

  I was washing my hands when Apple came out of the cubicle next door. And she smiled at me. Because she’s a really nice person. I think I managed to smile back relatively normally (like I haven’t spent days scrutinizing every single part of her face and wondering things like whether she masturbates a lot or how often she washes her bras). But I ruined it by staring at her lips for a little too long. I couldn’t help thinking those lips have been on Leon’s lips. How recently? If I grabbed her and kissed her, would it be sort of like kissing Leon?