Friendship Fails of Emma Nash Read online

  Kayleigh Spencer

  Pros: She won some Maths trophy thing for our school, so she’s obviously very clever. She shares mainly pictures of cats, which indicates she’s warm and unpretentious.

  Cons: Although I dig that she’s into Maths and cats, I struggle with even the most basic of mathematical concepts and I’m not really an animal person. Cats always seem to hiss at me. Will she sense that?

  Anika Khatri

  Pros: She seems fun. I can always hear her across the sixth form centre. Judging from her profiles she’s also an excellent dancer.

  Cons: If she’s too fun, will she get annoyed by the amount of hours I spend on Netflix? Will she want to make up dance routines together? Because if so, I can say with absolute confidence this relationship won’t work.

  Hannah Condom

  Pros: Hannah is actually on the list purely on the basis that her last name is Condom. From this I figure that she must, surely, have had to develop a sense of humour.

  Cons: I’m not sure I could resist constantly pointing out that her last name is Condom.

  Having assessed the list, I’ve decided that Anika Khatri is the place to start. I can just picture it…us having a good old laugh together in the sixth form centre, engaging in constant chatter… People will be able to hear us from all corners of the school. Oh, what good friends they are, they’ll say. What japes we’ll have! What mischief we’ll cause! If I’m very quiet, I can almost hear our future bonding ringing in my ears.

  Also, at parties if I stand near her whilst she dances and don’t move, people might assume I’m also good at dancing just by being near her.

  My plan is to go through all of Anika’s profiles and collect as much information as possible, and see what I can use as a ‘conversation starter’.

  posted by EditingEmma 16.58

  Research on Anika

  She has a big family. (Can I ask her about this? Compare to my tiny one?)

  She recently went to Bali. (I’ve always wanted to go?)

  She had a tooth out. (Ask if was painful?)

  Hmm. I don’t know if I should use the tooth thing. That was six months ago and might give away that I’ve essentially been revising her life.

  posted by EditingEmma 17.15

  Something Awful Has Happened

  No. No nonono nonononoooo. NOOOOOOOO.

  Oh God.

  NO.

  How can my plan have gone awry already?!?! I only started this afternoon! And I haven’t even spoken to Anika yet!!!

  I’d just completed my research. I was still on her Twitter, about three years back, when I had a sudden urge for a Jammy Dodger. As I was grasping for the Dodger, which was just out of reach, I slipped a little bit…and my other hand was still on the trackpad…

  I accidentally clicked.

  AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

  For a moment, I thought, it will be OK. You just liked one of her old tweets. Standard. A bit embarrassing but I’ll just pretend it never happened, she’ll just pretend she never saw the notification and we’ll all move on. Maybe we’ll laugh about it in years to come when we’re bezzies.

  But no. I didn’t just ‘like’ one of her tweets from the end of last year.

  I RETWEETED IT.

  Oh God. And it’s possibly one of the weirdest things I could have retweeted. It’s a photo of her ninety-year-old granddad, saying, ‘90 today, wow!! Happy Birthday, love you so much.’

  Now Anika’s very old relative is just sitting there on my own profile. Baring his missing teeth in a grim smile, birthday hat tipped jauntily to one side, a glassy look in his eye, about to tuck into his little piece of cake.

  I tried to delete it, but, of course, because the Gods of Sod’s Law love to taunt me…at that very moment my computer froze up.

  ‘Ctrl Alt Delete!!’ I screamed. ‘Ctrl Alt Delete!!!’

  I waited for the computer to restart and raced back on, only to see that Anika had already been online. My heart sank. She’d already seen it.

  What do I do now??!

  posted by EditingEmma 17.18

  He’s still there. It’s starting to feel distinctly creepy. Mum came in and said, ‘Why are you staring at a picture of an old man?’

  His glassy eyes are boring into my soul.

  posted by EditingEmma 17.25

  Gave in and rang Steph again. I know she’s out with Andy today, but desperate times and all that.

  ‘STEPH,’ I said.

  ‘What’s up?’

  ‘I retweeted a picture of Anika Khatri’s grandfather.’

  ‘I…you what?!’

  ‘I retweeted a picture of her grandfather. Help! What do I do?’

  I heard Andy’s voice in the background.

  ‘It’s Emma,’ Steph said. ‘She retweeted a picture of some girl’s grandfather.’

  ‘Oh great, let’s involve more people in this,’ I said.

  ‘Why?’ I heard him say.

  ‘Yeah, why?’ repeated Steph.

  ‘It was an accident, OBVIOUSLY.’

  ‘Why were you on Anika’s profile?’ Steph sounded baffled.

  ‘She’s number one on the New Friend List.’

  ‘Hang on, I’m just having a look…’

  There was a silence.

  ‘Oh my GOD.’ Steph burst out laughing again. ‘You total WEIRDO.’

  ‘Steph, this is not helpful. Any advice on where to go from here would be much appreciated.’

  I heard mumbling.

  ‘Andy says un-retweet immediately.’

  ‘What about you?’

  She thought for a second. ‘I say…style it out.’

  ‘Style it out?’

  ‘Yeah. I mean, she’s already seen it. There’s nothing you can do now. Maybe if you just act like it’s totally normal, she’ll think it’s totally normal.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yeah. Ooh ooh, I know, you should retweet some more random stuff. Make her think you’re one of those people who just retweets EVERYTHING. You know, like Desperate Paul?’

  ‘You think that will work?’

  ‘Definitely.’

  posted by EditingEmma 19.01

  Right, I’ve just retweeted eleven other things on Anika’s account and I’ve been COMPLETELY indiscriminate. I’ve retweeted everything from old relatives to dance school stuff to how we should all be using Tesco bags for life.

  Should I keep on going? 15.59

  The more the better I think. S x 15.59

  Feeling a bit calmer now. Hopefully, by the end of the day, I will have salvaged this potential relationship.

  posted by EditingEmma 19.45

  Emma’s New Friend, Part 1: Mission Failed

  I don’t believe this!!!! Anika’s blocked me!! She BLOCKED me!!!

  Rang Steph again.

  ‘Steph, she BLOCKED me!’

  ‘What?!’

  ‘She’s actually blocked me!’

  ‘How do you know?!’

  ‘It says to follow her, and I never unfollowed! That’s a textbook blocking!’

  Steph started laughing again.

  ‘Steph! This is no laughing matter! Does she not know we’ve got a lifelong, rock-solid friendship ahead of us?!’

  ‘I guess not.’

  ‘I feel so deflated. I thought she was fun!’

  ‘Maybe you mistook loud for fun,’ Steph answered.

  ‘Or maybe I should never have followed your terrible advice,’ I scoffed.

  ‘Hey, you’re the one who RTed a picture of her granddad. I was trying to be supportive earlier but…there was really nowhere to go from there.’

  She has zero regard for my humiliation. Oh my God, I don’t believe this. This is so embarrassing. Blocked by my new best friend. I thought this was going to be a breeze!

  Evidence: Meeting new friends online is not necessarily easier than online dating.

  Thursday, 6 November

  posted by EditingEmma 11.09

  New Friend Making: On Hiatus

  I’ve decided
that, today, maybe I should give ‘making a new friend’ a rest. Clearly I was unprepared for the potential threats that come with any kind of human interactions, not just the ones with kissing involved. I’m also trying not to bother Steph again today, because in ‘giving her space’ yesterday by not physically being with her, all I did was keep on ringing her instead.

  Mum came into the kitchen.

  ‘Why have you got a face like a slapped arse?’ she asked.

  ‘I’m bored,’ I said. ‘Because I’m giving Steph space.’

  I refrained from adding it was also because I got blocked for hounding some random girl at school with a well-intentioned but ultimately scary amount of notifications.

  ‘What about your other friends?’ asked Mum.

  ‘Faith’s on holiday.’ I shrugged.

  ‘Anyone else?’ she nudged. ‘Beginning with a G…?’

  ‘Gracie?’

  Interesting…

  ‘I don’t know.’ I frowned.

  Me and Gracie are definitely getting along better now, but still, I don’t remember the last time I hung out with her on my own…

  ‘If you’re really going to focus on your friendships,’ said Mum, all knowing, ‘wouldn’t that be the best place to start?’

  I suppose I could message Gracie… In theory. Although, there are a lot of things one could do in theory. In theory I could climb a mountain. In theory I could watch something new, instead of starting Gilmore Girls yet again from the beginning. And we all know that’s never going to happen.

  posted by EditingEmma 16.09

  I Can Do This

  Gave in when I started considering tidying my room as an actual possibility. Right… I can do this. I mean, last term I started conversations with boys I’d only ever seen around school. This term I plan on making friends with people I’ve never said a word to before (bar Anika Khatri, who we’ll put down as the inevitable ‘fist pancake’). Phoning Gracie, who I already speak to every day, should be a piece of cake… right?!

  Right?!

  Ughhh. Why am I so nervous?! This is ridiculous. I CAN DO THIS.

  posted by EditingEmma 16.15

  I Can’t Do This

  When Gracie picked up the phone she sounded really, really baffled.

  ‘Emma?’ she asked as if recalling a distant memory, like when the old woman at the end of Titanic is looking at her belongings from the wreckage.

  ‘Yes, hello.’

  Then I heard her dad say ‘Who is it?’ in the background.

  ‘It’s Emma,’ she said.

  ‘Emma?’ he replied.

  ‘Emma,’ she said again.

  ‘Yes, for God’s sake, it’s me, EMMA,’ I shouted. ‘It’s not like Willie Thomas is calling you.’

  (Willie Thomas is a boy who stands really close to girls at school so he can loom over their breasts. He also mouth breathes.)

  ‘Ew, why would he?’

  ‘Well, that’s exactly my point.’

  ‘You rang to tell me that you’re not Willie Thomas?’

  ‘I… Forget it. What are you doing?’

  ‘Nothing much,’ she said. ‘Why?’

  ‘No reason. God! Why are you so suspicious?’

  ‘… I’m playing a board game with my dad,’ she said.

  ‘Cool. Can I come over?’

  ‘You want to play a board game? With my dad?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘FOR GOD’S SAKE. I’M NOT WILLIE THOMAS.’

  We got there eventually, but that was painful. We’ve arranged to hang out later… Oh God. What if it’s awful?! What if we have absolutely nothing to say to each other without Steph and Faith?! I must keep reminding myself… it can’t be any worse than some of the awful dates I went on last term. Right?!

  RIGHT?!

  posted by EditingEmma 17.45

  Lingering on Gracie’s Front Path

  I am not Willie Thomas. I am not Willie Thomas. I am not Willie Thomas. I am not Willie Thomas.

  posted by EditingEmma 19.31

  I Might As Well Be Willie Thomas

  Well, that was uncomfortable.

  I got there at five thirty and I’m home at seven thirty. That should tell you something about how awkward that was.

  When I finally knocked on the door (after lingering on the path for a good fifteen minutes), Gracie opened it and looked a little bit surprised to see me.

  ‘Hi?’ she said, questioningly.

  ‘Hi,’ I said.

  But she didn’t let me in.

  ‘We did say I was coming over, right?’ I asked.

  ‘Oh, yeah, right,’ she said, and finally moved aside.

  I took off my shoes and we both stood for a while.

  You could have heard a pin drop.

  ‘So, um, how are you?’ I asked.

  ‘Oh, good,’ she said. ‘You?’

  ‘Yes, good. I’m good.’ I gave a forced smile.

  Silence.

  ‘So, um, this is the living room…’ she said.

  I was about to point out that I’d been here A MILLION times before, but I didn’t, because then I’d actually have to come up with something else to talk about. So I just nodded.

  ‘Nice,’ I said.

  And before I knew it, I was being taken on a tour of her house.

  A TOUR OF HER HOUSE. A house that I basically GREW UP IN.

  Eventually, we stopped in the kitchen.

  ‘So, this is the kitchen,’ she said.

  Yes, I threw up in that vase, I thought.

  ‘Would you like a biscuit?’ she asked, holding out the tin.

  ‘Oh, no thanks, but thank you for offering,’ I said.

  … No thanks?!

  Thank you for offering?!

  WHO AM I?!?!

  I SO wanted the biscuit…but I was in this weird polite mode. As soon as I’d said no, I regretted it.

  ‘Shall we, um, play a board game?’ Gracie asked. I was still staring wistfully at the biscuit tin.

  ‘Er, yes, that sounds delightful,’ I said.

  Delightful?

  Then we went into the living room to play board games (which I let her win, obviously, because I value my life). It was all very…cordial. Almost stiff. Sort of like we were well-behaved Victorian children.

  I guess nothing really bad happened, but it just never felt natural. I kept checking the clock and it wasn’t moving. Except it was moving, because I could hear it ticking. There were the kind of awkward silences you can actually hear and we had to keep reviving the conversation with small-talk CPR. The whole time I was thinking about the biscuit.

  Eventually, her dad caught me raiding the biscuit tin with a crazed look in my eye. I gave some excuse about having to leave and quickly got out of the house.

  Now I’m walking home in disgrace, pulling crumbs out of my hair.

  Evidence: Friend dates can be just as awkward as romantic dates.

  Seriously, I was nervous about this…but I really did think friend-dating would be easier!!! I mean, I know for a fact that Gracie’s not going to lunge at my face when I’m least expecting it, or attempt to cuddle me when I’m trying to consume snacks. The threat of teeth bumping has been removed. I don’t have to worry about whether my hands are sweaty or whether I’ve eaten garlic. And still, with all of that stuff gone, I can barely have a coherent conversation?! With someone I’ve known and hung out with nearly every day for five years?!

  How is that even possible?!?!

  Ugh, one failed attempt to make a new friend and one failed endeavour to hang out with an old one. This whole ‘spread the platonic love’ thing is NOT going as planned. Now I feel lonelier than ever.

  Friday, 7 November

  posted by EditingEmma 17.07

  Faith got back from holiday yesterday, so we’re all going out to see some fireworks.

  ‘Do you know if Claudia’s coming?’ I asked Steph.

  ‘I asked Faith, she said it’s too soon.’

  ‘Eugh, WHAT.’<
br />
  ‘They have only been on two dates…’

  ‘But…but…I want to her meet her!’

  ‘I think your eagerness is only making it less likely.’

  ‘What?! I can be cool!’

  ‘Yeah, the twelve hundred pictures I have of you photobombing me and Andy really prove that.’

  ‘Point taken.’

  ‘Andy’s coming anyway, and a couple of his mates.’

  ‘Does that mean Meathead Babs?’ I asked, with trepidation.

  ‘Unfortunately, yes,’ she answered.

  posted by EditingEmma 20.18

  At the Display

  Having so much fun watching the fireworks. At least I would be, if it wasn’t for Meathead Babs’ loud guffawing.

  ‘What is so funny about fireworks?!’ I whispered to Steph.

  ‘I have no idea,’ she said.

  posted by EditingEmma 20.27

  Mystery solved. Just heard Babs say on the phone, ‘No really, mate, they looked exactly like your jizz, that time we ate all that food colouring at Gav’s.’

  posted by EditingEmma 23.37

  A Breakthrough Moment

  Back home now, and I think I might have actually had a breakthrough moment with Gracie!!

  All evening, I thought I saw her looking a bit uncomfortable at times. My first clue was when Steph and Andy were in front of us, using a filter where Steph’s head looked GIGANTIC and Andy had four noses, and Gracie smiled but didn’t laugh. I mean, if someone isn’t laughing at face-contorting Snapchats, there must be something wrong.

  Then I noticed she kept staring at her phone, not really getting involved in conversation. I was wondering what was up, and then I remembered it was probably the first time she’d been out with Steph and Andy together. I know she said she was fine with it, but it’s probably going to take some getting used to… I mean, if I’m feeling weird about this, it must be ten times weirder for Gracie.

  THEN came the breakthrough moment. Faith was smiling goofily at her phone, at what I’m assuming were messages from Claudia. Meathead Babs was busy pretending to lick his hot dog in an erotic manner. Steph and Andy were taking a selfie. Just as I was about to jump into the perfect Emma-sized gap between their heads, I noticed Gracie looking a bit lost and small.