Dating Disasters of Emma Nash Page 18
“I know. I know. I can’t believe it.”
“What happened??”
“I guess, I guess it started because I was thinking about how harsh I was being about you and the way Leon treats you. I mean, I was feeling all judgmental and on my moral high horse and then I suddenly realized, I’m not exactly standing up for myself, either. And then I started getting so angry about how I’m pretty sure my parents know, but they don’t want to know, as if there’s something wrong with me, and how we all go along just saying nothing... And then, I thought, I’m probably just going to continue saying nothing and then I got even angrier, and then I did say something!! Out of nowhere! I said something!!”
“What did you say?? What did they say??”
“So, my aunt came over for dinner and I was being very silent and thinking about all the things I just said.”
“Yes, yes??”
“And we were talking about Hope’s wedding, obviously, as I imagine we will be constantly for the rest of our lives.”
“Yes?! YES?!”
“And then, she asked me if I had a boyfriend yet. And then my mum laughed and said, ‘Oh, she’s only sixteen, plenty of time.’ And then my aunt laughed and said that if I was still single when I went to uni people would start thinking I was a lesbian.”
“NO.”
“Yes. She said those words. They were real words that came out of her mouth.”
“And what did you say???”
“I said, ‘And if I was, what would be wrong with that?’ and looked straight at her, and she was all stuttery and flappy and her bob was jiggling. And she didn’t say anything. And then I just got up and left the table.”
“Oh my God.”
“I know.”
“OH MY GOD.”
“I know.”
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:01 P.M.
Sometimes Mothers Are Actually OK
I was telling Mum about Faith, and we were discussing how ridiculous her aunt is on so many levels.
“Basically every time I’m reminded homophobia is still a thing, I just feel really naïve and shocked,” I finished.
“Naïve is right,” said Mum.
“And what’s wrong with being single, anyway?” I exclaimed.
“I feel like you should ask yourself the same question.”
“What do you mean?”
“Why do you keep dating obsessively?”
Awkward question which exposes me as a hypocrite = I’m going to turn it around on her.
“What about you? Why are you always on dates?”
“Well, it would be nice to meet someone. So I keep trying. But I’m not going to force myself to be with someone for the sake of it.”
She’s backed me into a corner = I’m now going to change the subject.
“Also, if you’re still single when you go to uni? She sounds like an old woman from the forties giving warnings about biological clocks,” I go on.
“As women, Emma, we’re constantly put in a race against time to ‘achieve’ things we’re not given a moment to consider we might not want.”
Later on, I tiptoed into her room.
“Mum?”
“Yes?”
“You know how earlier you said you felt like women were all put under pressure by society and whatnot, I assume you partly mean marriage and children, I mean... You did want me, didn’t you?”
“Oh, Emma. Of course I wanted you. I wasn’t talking about you. I just meant that a lot of people consider marriage and children to be the only path in life, like you’re inferior if you’re a certain age and you don’t have them.”
“OK.”
“I never cared about marriage, I just wanted to be in love and have a...mutually caring relationship. It hasn’t happened for me, and I’d rather be on my own, with you, than in something I settled for, and in some people’s eyes that makes me a failure.”
“You’re no failure, Mum. And you’re more than enough parent for ten children.”
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
Briefly felt affectionate about my mother until she woke me up snoring in the next room. Now contemplating putting a pillow over her head
THURSDAY, 16 OCTOBER
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 8:37 A.M.
I was just walking into school with Gracie, talking about her inexplicable love of fishing (apparently it is very “relaxing”) when Leon came up to me.
Leon came up to me.
“I’ll trade you a bit of cookie for a Chewit,” he said.
I nodded, trying to look as calm as possible. We made the transfer. It’s like nothing ever changed between us and I want to sing and dance and run and play with rabbits in fields.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:18 A.M.
Coming Out Really IS Easier Said than Done
Faith slumped down next to me at break.
“Incroyable!” she said. “I don’t think my coming out has been acknowledged.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, after I called you, my mum came into my room to give me pudding and said that I should apologize to Aunt Carol for my ‘little outburst’ and then nothing else was said. This morning, she was completely normal and going about making eggs.”
“Were you acting normal?”
“I was looking into her eyes questioningly, and she looked back...completely blank. Like a ghost. Nothing.”
“That is so strange!! Do you think she’s in denial, or really didn’t pick up on the undertones of what you were saying?”
“I don’t know. I thought it was pretty obvious, but maybe not.”
Silence.
“Was your mum really up at seven this morning making you eggs?”
“Yes.”
“Does she do that every day?”
“Yes.”
“That’s amazing.”
“Your mum accepts you for who you are. You win.”
“I’m sorry, Faith, I know it wasn’t easy for you to say something.”
“Thanks, I’m sorry, too. It just confirms everything I thought. It’s impossible.”
“No!! It’s not impossible!! Next time you just have to, er, leave them no room for doubt?”
“They don’t want to hear it, Emma.”
This sucks so much I can’t really put it into words.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:15 P.M.
In the loos. I was in the Sixth Form Centre getting my coat, about to go off with the others for lunch, and I noticed that Apple and her friends were staring at me and pointing.
“Did I do something?” I whispered to Gracie.
“Haven’t you seen?” she whispered back.
“Seen what?”
“Seriously?”
“Seriously what?”
“Seriously all you do is stalk Leon and you miss this?”
“MISS WHAT?”
She showed me her phone.
Leon Naylor is single.
42 mins
And now this is what the inside of my brain looks like:
Leon Naylor is single.
Leon Naylor is single.
Leon Naylor is single.
Leon Naylor is single.
Leon Naylor is single.
Leon Naylor is single.
Leon Naylor is single.
Leon Naylor is single.
Leon Naylor is single.
Leon Naylor is single.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:58 P.M.
I was about to take a bite of this lovely, congealed rice pudding the school has served us, when Leon sat down next to me.
Leon sat down next to me.
“Is everything OK with...Anna?” I asked. (Had to concentrate so hard to use her real name.)
“We broke up,” he said, matter-of-factly.<
br />
“Oh,” I said, trying to sound sad when I actually felt like what I imagine someone who’s just been injected with a jugful of heroin feels like. “What happened?”
“Oh. We’re not actually very similar, you know?”
I do know. I do.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 5:14 P.M.
Even triple Biology could not dampen my mood. He said “we’re not similar.” That’s probably because he can make at least five different facial expressions. Did he imply that me and him are similar?
Let’s not get carried away.
Lalalalalalalala.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 10:05 P.M.
My phone rang. I looked down and saw Greg’s name and for a moment it felt like something from a past life. I’m not answering.
He’s ringing again. I should probably answer.
“Hello, you,” he says cheerily.
“Hi!”
I sound strained.
“I just remembered, are we still going to that party on Saturday?”
Crap. No.
“What party?”
“I had ‘party with Emma’ written in my phone calendar.”
“Is that because every day with me is a party?”
He laughs. “It’s better than a party.”
Nononono don’t be nice to me. I am sludge. Horrible sludge!!
“So what are you doing Saturday?”
“Oh, er...just hanging out with my friends. I said I’d go round to Gracie’s.”
Not a complete lie. I will be at Gracie’s.
Oh God. I’m in bed but I already know that I won’t be able to sleep. My stomach’s churning from a mixture of elation and guilt.
FRIDAY, 17 OCTOBER
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 1:40 P.M.
The Plan
I was walking along with Faith. I tried to ask how she was feeling, but as usual she completely shut me down.
“Is Greg coming tomorrow?” she asked.
I decided to play her at her own game.
“No. Did you know that hummingbirds can see UV light? So they can probably see a bunch of colors that we can’t.”
“Why isn’t he coming?”
“Oh, I don’t know, he has cricket or something. Did you know that hummingbirds eat two or three times their own weight every day? That’s like us eating a full fridge of food.”
“You’re terrible at changing the subject.”
“Why are you so disinterested in hummingbirds?”
“Why isn’t Greg coming?”
“... I may have uninvited him.”
“There we go.”
Then I laid out my flawless and clearly well-thought-out plan (which I made up ten minutes ago) for Faith, which makes me TECHNICALLY neither a liar nor a cheater.
Tell Leon that me and Greg broke up.
Don’t invite Greg to the party (to see how it goes with Leon).
If it looks like something is going to happen, then I can break up with Greg. And then I won’t technically have lied to Leon, or cheated on Greg.
If it looks like it isn’t going to happen, then I can tell Leon that me and Greg got back together, which means the first lie is voided and I obviously won’t be a cheater.
“Just a couple of flaws in your flawless plan, Emma.”
“Please, do lay out your concerns and I will show you that they are wrong.”
“Well, aside from obvious moral deficiency.”
“That’s a given.”
“How will you know something is going to happen before it happens?”
“Er... I’ll get the vibes.”
“What if you get the vibes, and then break up with Greg and still nothing happens?”
“... I’ll only do it if I’m getting very strong vibes.”
“But if you’re getting strong vibes, then how will you stop the thing from happening before it’s too late and you become a cheater?”
“I’ll say I have to pee and then run out and phone Greg very quickly.”
“This is going to be a circus.”
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 4:35 P.M.
I’d just come out of Home Ec and was walking along with Gracie, when Leon sprang up beside me.
“What’s in that?” he said, pointing at my Home Ec tin.
“A jam roly-poly.”
“It’s actually a burned jam roly-poly,” Gracie interjected.
“Let’s see it, then.”
He lifted up the lid and stared in. “That can’t be edible.”
“It’s not,” said Gracie.
Leon picked up the roly-poly and started laughing.
“Can I?”
“Sure.”
Then he walked off into the distance, swinging my blackened cylindrical baked good in the air.
“Surely he can’t be planning on eating that. Anna bakes such nice things,” said Gracie.
And I wished I had it back to use as a weapon.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 8:34 P.M.
Round at Steph’s. I keep thinking about Leon walking around out there, holding my jam roly-poly. It seems significant somehow. Greg messaged:
Wish I could’ve seen you tonight x 7:16 p.m.
Me too. Sorry, had to help Steph with this project though xx
7:41 p.m.
A lie, but I put two kisses at the end which sort of makes up for it.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:51 P.M.
Even spooning Steph can’t put me to sleep. In nine minutes it will be the day of the party. A day that I potentially have another sacred, incomparable kiss with Leon. Or potentially mess it up with a really nice boy, for someone who, as Faith put it, “treats me like a piece of mud on the floor.”
SATURDAY, 18 OCTOBER
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 11:01 A.M.
THE DAY OF THE PARTY
I’m so anxious, I constantly feel like I might poo. Steph made me a bacon sandwich and my nerves are so strong that eating it was more disgusting than pleasurable, but I couldn’t face myself if I said no to a bacon sandwich. What would that make me?
I’ve made Steph run through the plan with me so many times I think she’s grown to hate me a little. Especially when I made her role-play as Greg.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 6:16 P.M.
At Gracie’s
Her parents just left. As they went out they glanced at me all frightened, then looked at Gracie as if to say, Please don’t let her throw up on the spare room floor again. Which is probably fair enough, really.
Anyway, Gracie is particularly stressy today, because she’s all worried not enough people are coming.
I said, “That’s what happens when you only invite twenty people and five of them can’t come.”
Then she shoved me. She shoved me!!! AND she invited Greg!!! She just walked into the room, announcing, “By the way, I told my brother he could bring Greg tonight.”
“WHAT???”
We all stared at her.
“Look, my brother asked, I couldn’t really say no, could I?”
“I thought you said Andy and Greg ‘weren’t really friends.’”
She didn’t answer that, and replied, “If you want me to, I can go and explain to Andy why he can’t come?”
She knew she had me there and looked really smug. Aghh!! There’s no way Andy asked if Greg could come! She’s so only doing this to raise numbers for her stupid party!!
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 7:28 P.M.
Eating dinner in silence, as a protest.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 7:38 P.M.
No one seemed to care about my silent protest, so I joined back in with the conversation. But I purposefully didn’t enjoy it.
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 7:45 P.M.
If you think about it, maybe it’s actually better for my p
lan that both Greg and Leon are coming to the party. If I’m getting the vibes from Leon, then I can break up with Greg face-to-face instead of over the phone. As concluded in my previous post, no one wants to be dumped via any form of technology. What was I thinking?! This way will be much nicer.
Much nicer.
Yes. It will all be fine. Probably. I’m not a horrible person. I mean, I give to charity. Specifically, to the bees. Where would the bees be without my kind donations? (Kind donations that actually come from my mother because I don’t make any money.)
AHHH who am I kidding!!! This isn’t nicer in any way!! This is horrible!
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 8:27 P.M.
Putting on Makeup in Gracie’s Room
Me: “How can I draw a moustache on her without her noticing?”
Steph: “In her sleep?”
Me: “It’s not really bedtime.”
Steph: “Crush some sleeping pills and put them in her vodka?”
Me: “I said I want to draw on her, Steph, not kill her.”
Then Faith said,
“Guys, she’s allowed to invite who she wants to her party. It’s her house.”
I stared at her.
“Don’t look at me like that, Emma. Why don’t you just tell Leon the truth before he gets here?”
“I can’t.”
“Fine, then break up with Greg before he gets here.”
“... I can’t.”
“Well, then, it’s your mess. Don’t blame Gracie.”
And she walked off to the bathroom... I gazed after her with an open mouth. Well, now that’s two friends crossed off the list of people I will be speaking to tonight.
Steph said, “Wow, I didn’t know your mouth was that big. Can I try to throw things into it?”
I can’t make it three people off the list, or I might have no one to talk to...
Emma Nash @Em_Nasher
@Brentsy attempting to get Maltesers in my mouth. That’s 17 to the floor, 0 into my mouth
POSTED BY EDITINGEMMA 8:59 P.M.
Why Doing Stuff Just for You = A Confidence Boost
I put on my dress that I made and Faith said, “That’s nice. Where did you get it?”
And then I got to say, “Oh, actually, I made it myself.”
BEST FEELING EVER.
I’m feeling really warm and happy... I know it sounds silly but this dress is something separate from any other aspect of my life, not for anyone else, just for me... Something I’ve achieved. I feel...proud of myself for something. Which never happens.